It Could Be Worse (but you're still allowed to feel your feelings)

It's a classic Irish expression..."There's nothing so bad that couldn't be worse". We've all heard it or maybe even said it ourselves. When someone shares something difficult, something raw, or painful, we're quick to jump in with:

"Ah sure, it could be worse."

"At least you've your health."

"At least it’s not as bad as it could be."

It's almost a reflex. Something to break the tension, to patch the hurt with a bit of silver lining, to say, "It's not the end of the world." And sometimes, it's exactly what people need. But more often than not, it's not.

That phrase "At least…" is a form of what psychologists call toxic positivity. And for many of us here in Ireland, it's woven deep into how we cope with pain and discomfort, often without realising the damage it can do.

The Irish Way: "I'm Grand," but Not Really

Growing up in Ireland, it's drilled into us to be strong. Not just strong, but quietly strong. "Keep your head down," "Don’t make a fuss," "Get on with it." The idea of airing your worries openly isn't exactly encouraged. It's the land of the "I'm grand," the "Sure, it’s only a bit of rain," and the "It could be worse."

It's a way of getting through. And God knows, we've had to get through a lot, from tough economic times to personal hardships, losses, and more. Our humour, our craic and our knack for finding the bright side in the darkest moments is part of our survival toolkit.

But the real truth is that when "at least" becomes the default response to pain, it can actually silence people instead of helping them.

What Is Toxic Positivity?

Let's be clear. Toxic positivity isn't just about trying to look on the bright side. Optimism and resilience are very important character traits, they keep us hopeful and motivated.

Toxic positivity is different. It's an insistence on maintaining a positive mindset no matter what. It's a refusal to acknowledge difficult emotions like sadness, grief, anger, or fear. It's the pressure to stay positive, even when you're hurting.

And it's everywhere.

It's in the well-meaning friend who says, "Just think happy thoughts!" when you're grieving. It's in the "Keep smiling!" posters. It's in social media posts that only show highlight reels and deny the messy parts of life.

And of course, it's in the phrase "At least…"

Why "At Least…" Can Be Harmful

On the surface, "at least" seems comforting. It points out a silver lining, a reason to be grateful, or a way to reframe a situation.

But what it actually does is:

• Minimise the other person’s feelings. When someone is struggling, "at least" tells them their pain isn't valid or important.

• Push them to move on too quickly. It suggests they should stop feeling bad and look on the bright side, often before they're ready.

• Create distance instead of connection. It can make people feel misunderstood and alone.

Imagine telling someone who just lost a loved one: "At least they’re no longer suffering." While true, it can feel like a brush-off when what they really need is to mourn.

Or if a friend is overwhelmed at work and you say, "At least you have a job," it might make them feel guilty for feeling stressed.

Brené Brown and the Power of Empathy

This is where Brené Brown's work is so powerful. She says that rarely, if ever, does an empathic response start with the words "at least".

Brené is a research professor who has spent years studying shame, vulnerability, courage, and empathy. She explains the difference between sympathy and empathy in a way that really hits home:

• Sympathy is feeling for someone. It often sounds like, "That's bad, but at least…"

• Empathy is feeling with someone. It says, “I’m here. I see you. This is hard.”

You can watch a brilliant short animation of Brené explaining this on YouTube here.

Her point? Empathy creates connection. Sympathy, especially when paired with phrases like "at least," can actually shut down connection.

Why Do We Use Toxic Positivity?

So why do we lean on "at least" so much? Why do we struggle to sit with discomfort?

Partly, it's cultural. In Ireland, especially for older generations, talking openly about feelings was often taboo. We learned to hide pain behind humour or stoicism.

Partly, it’s because it's uncomfortable to witness someone else's pain. We want to fix it. We want to take it away. Saying "at least" is a way to do that — even if it doesn't actually help.

And partly, it’s fear. Fear of sadness, fear of vulnerability, fear that if we open the door to hard feelings, they'll overwhelm us.

The Cost of Not Feeling Fully

But shutting down difficult emotions has consequences.

You can't pick and choose which feelings you want to experience. If you numb sadness or grief, you also numb joy and love.

Studies show that people who suppress their emotions tend to experience more stress, anxiety, and even physical health problems.

And for those struggling with mental health issues, toxic positivity can feel isolating, like their pain isn’t allowed or understood.

What Can We Do Instead?

1. Listen Without Fixing You don’t have to solve everything. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen and say, "That sounds really tough."

2. Validate Feelings Say, "It’s okay to feel upset," or "I’m sorry you’re going through this." Validation goes a long way.

3. Avoid Comparisons Don't say "It could be worse" or "Others have it harder." Everyone's pain is valid because it’s theirs.

4. Use Empathy Try to connect with the person's experience instead of trying to cheer them up.

5. Be Honest About Your Own Feelings Instead of saying "I'm grand" when you're not, try "I'm having a hard time." It invites others to be honest too.

Changing Our Self-Talk

It's not just what we say to others — it's also what we say to ourselves.

If your inner voice is constantly telling you "At least it's not worse," it might be time to try something different.

Try saying:

• This is hard, and that's okay.

• I'm struggling, but I’m not alone.

• I don't have to pretend everything is fine.

Practising self-empathy is key. Brené Brown calls it "talking to yourself like you would to a good friend."

A Cultural Shift is Possible

There's a lot changing in Ireland right now around mental health and emotional honesty.

More people are talking openly about struggles like depression, anxiety or grief. I actually think going through the pandemic has driven some of this change. It gave us permission to admit to being anxious and struggling with that anxiety. Now the stigma is slowly lifting, with campaigns, podcasts, and social media helping us find new language for feelings.

But old habits die hard. The instinct to be "grand," to say "at least," or to deflect pain with self deprecating humour is still strong, but we don't need to abandon our humour or resilience; instead we can balance them with honesty and empathy.

Real Strength is Vulnerability

Here's the thing about vulnerability: it's scary, yes. But it's also brave. It's the doorway to true connection.

When someone shares pain and you meet them with empathy, you give them the gift of feeling seen. And when you do the same for yourself, you create space for healing.

So maybe next time you feel the urge to say "at least," pause. Instead, try saying:

• I'm sorry you’re going through this.

• I'm here for you.

• That sounds really hard.

And if you’re the one hurting, give yourself permission to say:

• This is really tough.

• I'm not okay right now.

• I need a minute.

Final Thoughts

Toxic positivity, and phrases like "at least," often come from a good place. They're our way of trying to help, to comfort, and to make sense of pain.

But real comfort comes from connection, from empathy, and from sitting and getting comfortable with the discomfort, not brushing it aside.

As Brené Brown so beautifully says:

"Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, and emotionally connecting."

Let's give each other, and ourselves, permission to be honest, messy, and real. Because healing starts there.

If you want to watch Brené Brown explain empathy in her beautiful animation, here's the link again: Brené Brown on Empathy (RSA Shorts)

Thanks for reading. If this resonates with you, please share it with someone who might need to hear it too.

Marianne Gunnigan June 2025

086 2525132

mariannegunnigan@gmail.com