Too Nice for Your Own Good: Where People-Pleasing Really Comes From
- mariannegunnigan
- Jun 27
- 5 min read
Updated: Jun 28
Are You a People-Pleaser?
If you've ever said "yes" while your gut screamed "no," bent over backward to avoid conflict, or felt like your value was tied to being helpful or liked, you might be stuck in a people-pleasing pattern.
From the outside, people-pleasers seem kind, generous and accommodating. But behind the smile is often a deep fear: What if I’m not good enough unless I make everyone else happy?
This blog explores why we become people-pleasers, how this pattern often begins in childhood, the fawn trauma response, and how therapy can help you unlearn it so that you can finally show up as your full self.
What Is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is more than being nice. It’s a chronic habit of putting others' needs ahead of your own, even when it hurts you.
Common signs of people-pleasing:
Saying yes when you want to say no
Avoiding conflict at all costs
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
Suppressing your opinions, needs, or discomfort
Feeling anxious when someone is upset with you
Measuring your worth by how useful or agreeable you are
Where Does People-Pleasing Come From?
People-pleasing isn't a personality trait; it's often a learned survival strategy. Most patterns of chronic people-pleasing have their roots in childhood where they have developed as defense mechanisms.
Let's unpack some of those early experiences:
1. The Fawn Trauma Response: Pleasing to Stay Safe
Most of us are familiar with the fight, flight, or freeze responses to danger. But there's a fourth response: fawn.
Fawning is a trauma response where a person copes with emotional threat by becoming overly agreeable, helpful, or compliant. It's the nervous system's way of saying: "If I make everyone happy, I’ll be safe"
Children in emotionally unsafe environments may fawn to:
Avoid outbursts, punishment, or rejection
Gain affection through compliance
Feel some sense of control in chaos
In adulthood, this fawning often looks like:
Over-apologizing
Avoiding needs or boundaries
Merging with others' expectations
Self-abandonment in relationships
2. Conditional Love and Approval
Some children learn that love must be earned through good behavior, achievements, or being "low maintenance".
"If I got upset, my mam would ignore me. But if I smiled, helped her or got good exam results, she lit up. I learned to hide anything that might upset her."
This leads to beliefs like:
"If I'm perfect, I'll be loved."
"My needs are a burden."
"Other people matter more than me."
3. Parentification and Emotional Caretaking
In some families, the child becomes the caregiver, emotionally or even physically, to an overwhelmed or immature parent.
“I was my mum's therapist from the time I was 10. I stopped talking about my own problems because hers were always bigger.”
Parentified children often:
Feel hyper-responsible for others
Learn to anticipate and meet others' needs
Struggle to identify or voice their own needs
4. Fear of Rejection or Abandonment
When love or attention was inconsistent, a child may become hyper-vigilant, monitoring others' moods, avoiding conflict, and staying agreeable to maintain connection.
"My parents were loving, but emotionally unpredictable. One day I was praised, the next I was ignored. Pleasing them felt like my job."
5. Emotionally Immature or Narcissistic Caregivers
If caregivers made their child feel guilty for having needs or set unrealistic expectations, the child may learn to self-abandon.
"If I cried, my dad would say I was being dramatic. If I was upset, he'd say I was selfish. Eventually, I just stopped talking about how I felt."
6. Cultural and Social Messaging
In many cultures, especially for women, people-pleasing is reinforced:
"Be polite."
"Don’t talk back."
"Put others first."
"In my family, being a 'good girl' meant staying quiet, helping others, and not asking for much. Anything else was seen as rude."
The Hidden Costs of People-Pleasing
While people-pleasing may have helped you feel safe or loved as a child, in adulthood it can lead to:
Burnout and emotional exhaustionAnxiety or depression
Resentment and passive-aggression
Poor boundaries and codependency
Feeling lost, disconnected, or invisible
"I reached a point where I didn't even know what I wanted anymore. I just knew how to be what everyone else needed."
How Therapy Can Help You Unlearn People-Pleasing
Healing from people-pleasing means learning to value your needs, voice, and boundaries, often for the first time. Therapy provides a safe space to explore those patterns and begin changing them.
Here are three approaches that are especially helpful:
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
CBT helps you identify and reframe the beliefs behind people-pleasing.
CBT can help you:
Notice automatic thoughts like "They’ll hate me if I say no"
Challenge guilt around setting boundaries
Practice assertiveness in small, safe ways
Internal Family systems (IFS)
IFS sees the people-pleaser as just one part of you, a part that formed to protect younger, more vulnerable parts.
IFS helps you:
Understand why the people-pleasing part developed
Connect with your inner child or “fawn” part with compassion
Access your “Self”, the calm, confident core beneath the roles
"Once I met the part of me that was terrified of making people angry, I could finally comfort her. I stopped judging her. And slowly, I didn't need to please everyone anymore."
Family Systems Therapy
Family Systems Therapy explores the roles you played in your family such as the helper, the fixer, the peacekeeper, and how they shaped your adult relationships.
It helps you:
Understand intergenerational patterns
Emotionally separate from family expectations
Set boundaries with love and clarity
“I was always the ‘responsible one.’ In therapy, I saw how that kept me trapped in over-functioning. I finally gave myself permission to stop carrying everyone else.”
Other Tools That Support Healing
Mindfulness or somatic therapy :Tune into your own needs, feelings, and body cues
Group therapy :Practice boundaries in a safe, supportive space
Journaling or art therapy: Reconnect with parts of yourself that were silenced
Books:
Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
The Disease to Please by Harriet Braiker
The Inner Child Workbook by Cathryn Taylor
Codependent No More by Melodie Beatie
Therapy and Support in Ireland
Service | Details | Link |
50808 | Free 24/7 text mental health support | |
MyMind | Affordable online and in-person therapy | |
Turn2Me | Free online mental health support | |
SilverCloud | Free HSE-backed CBT programs | |
Pieta | Suicide and self-harm crisis support | |
IACP | Find accredited therapists |
A Gentle Reminder: You Deserve to Be Here, Fully and Freely
If you grew up learning to keep others happy in order to feel safe, it's not your fault. You weren't being "too nice" you were surviving.
But you're not that child anymore.
You don't have to earn love. You don't have to be liked by everyone. You are allowed to rest, to speak, to say no, to be fully yourself.
Healing from people-pleasing takes time, but every small act of self-trust builds a life where you matter, too. Start small with low stakes interactions. If you don't feel quite ready to say "no", try saying something like "can I get back to you on that?" or "I'm not sure, let me have a think about that". You won't have said "no" but at least you've avoided the old knee-jerk "yes". As the old Irish saying goes "Tús maith leath na hoibre" (a good start is half the work)!
Marianne Gunnigan June 2025
086 2525132
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