Anger Is a Warning Light: What Happens When We Keep Driving Anyway

Anger is one of the most natural human responses we have. It signals that something is wrong. It protects. It energises. It motivates. But in many parts of the world, and especially in Ireland, anger is treated like something shameful. Something to hide. Something dangerous.

Especially if you're a woman.

We don't talk enough about anger. We fear it. We pathologise it. But we also feel it, quietly, constantly, and often with nowhere for it to go. This post explores the nature of anger, the cultural and gendered rules around it in Irish society, what happens when it’s buried, and why sometimes, anger is not only justifiable but necessary.

What Is Anger, Really?

Anger is often misunderstood. Many people see it as something to be avoided, denied, or covered up. But anger is not the problem. The real danger lies in ignoring what it's trying to tell you.

Think of anger like the yellow warning light on your car's dashboard.

It flashes for a reason. It's not trying to ruin your day or cause drama. It's simply saying: something isn't right. Please check under the bonnet.

You wouldn't ignore that warning light. You wouldn't keep driving without pulling over, lifting the bonnet, and seeing whats going on underneath. Yet when it comes to our emotions, especially anger, that's exactly what many of us do.

We override the signal. We tell ourselves we're fine. We push on and hope it goes away.

But just like with a car, ignoring the warning light doesn't fix the issue. It worsens it. That quiet tension builds up. The resentment deepens. Eventually, the system fails altogether.

Anger is the light, not the fault. It is a messenger, not a malfunction.

When you feel angry, something is calling for your attention. Maybe a boundary has been crossed, a value ignored, or a need unmet. Instead of silencing the feeling, the real work lies in lifting the bonnet. What is really going on underneath?

Is it exhaustion disguised as irritability? Is it grief showing up as frustration? Is it a sense of powerlessness that's been brewing quietly for years?

By pausing and exploring the cause, anger can guide us to clarity and often, to change.

Cultural Conditioning: The Irish Way of Not Making a Scene

Let's talk about how we deal with anger culturally. Emotions don't exist in a vacuum.

In Ireland, we've grown up with a deep social value placed on being "grand." You'll have heard these before:

• "It's not worth getting upset about."

• "There's no point in causing a fuss."

• "Other people have it worse."

These statements often come from a desire to keep the peace. Over time, though, they have created a culture where discomfort is swallowed and anger is redirected inward.

This tendency has historical roots. Centuries of colonisation created a national sense of powerlessness. Catholic teachings promoted humility, obedience, and self-denial, especially for women. Life in close-knit communities often meant avoiding open conflict for the sake of appearances.

The result is that we often downplay how we feel. But unspoken anger doesn't go away. It simply changes form.

When Anger Isn't Allowed

Suppressing anger doesn't make it disappear. It finds other ways to express itself.

Here's how it often shows up:

• Irritability, such as snapping at a partner, a child, or a stranger on the bus

• Passive-aggression, like giving the cold shoulder, sulking, or avoiding confrontation

• Self-blame, especially when people turn frustration inward and believe they are the problem

• Physical symptoms, including headaches, digestive problems, insomnia, or chronic tension

• Addictive behaviours, such as over-drinking, overeating, or zoning out through screens

Many people don’t realise they’re angry. They say they are "just tired," "a bit fed up," or "stressed." But dig deeper, and anger is often sitting right underneath.

It's the dashboard light again. It's been blinking for weeks, but instead of opening the bonnet, you keep turning the radio up louder, hoping the problem will sort itself out.

The Gender Divide: Who's Allowed to Be Angry?

Everyone feels anger, but not everyone is equally allowed to show it. In Ireland, as elsewhere, men are often given more permission to express anger. In contrast, women are encouraged to suppress it.

From an early age, girls are taught to be nice, quiet, and accommodating. Anger doesn't fit into that box. When women express it, they are frequently met with discomfort or judgment.

Consider some common phrases:

• "Calm down, love."

• "Don't be dramatic."

• "She's being hysterical."

These may seem casual, but they carry a clear message. Women's anger is often dismissed, mocked, or treated as irrational. A man who raises his voice is seen as confident. A woman who does the same is seen as emotional or unhinged.

This double standard leads many women to internalise their anger. They fear the social cost of expressing it. Instead, they smile through gritted teeth or stay silent to avoid being labelled "difficult."

A Personal Story: Making Friends With Anger

I remember one particular moment in a therapy group when I was recounting a recent experience that had left me seething. I was furious about something very specific, not a slow-burning resentment, but full-bodied, hot anger that had come out of nowhere and startled even me. The depth of my anger had frightened me.

Then the therapist turned to me and said, with a calmness that almost irritated me more, "What would happen if you made friends with your anger?"

I was taken aback. Friends with it? I didn’t want to befriend it, I wanted it gone! It felt messy, out of control, and dangerous. I had been taught to keep anger at a distance, to cool it down, make it palatable, apologise for it.

But his question stuck. Over the following weeks, I began to treat my anger with curiosity instead of shame. I realised it had flared up so strongly because something I deeply valued had been ignored. The intensity of the feeling wasn't random. It was my internal warning system flashing brightly, the yellow light on the dashboard, urging me to lift the bonnet and look underneath. That moment became a turning point, not because I stopped feeling angry, but because I finally started listening to it.

The Cost of Suppression

Suppressing anger may seem like the easier path. But over time, it can harm our well-being in serious ways.

Mental Health

Chronic anger suppression has been linked to depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem. When people feel they cannot express their needs or boundaries, they often turn that emotional energy inward.

Relationships

Unspoken resentment corrodes intimacy. When people are afraid to talk about what hurts or frustrates them, relationships become strained and emotionally distant.

Workplaces

In teams or offices where people avoid direct communication, unresolved tension builds. This leads to confusion, gossip, and toxic dynamics that undermine productivity and morale.

Physical Health

Long-term suppression of anger is associated with health problems such as high blood pressure, sleep disturbances, digestive issues, and even autoimmune conditions. Emotional pain can become physical if it is left unaddressed.

That yellow light on the dashboard isn't just emotional. Over time, it can affect the entire system; from your gut to your heart to your immune response.

Justifiable Anger: When It's the Right Response

Some anger is not only valid, it's essential.

Justifiable anger is the kind that arises in response to real injustice. It's not destructive or petty but a clear and healthy signal that something is wrong and needs to change.

We've seen many examples of this in Ireland:

• The anger over the Magdalene Laundries

• Outrage following revelations about the Tuam babies

• The grassroots fury that powered the Repeal the 8th movement following the death of Savita Halappanaver

• Public anger over the CervicalCheck scandal

• Ongoing frustration with the housing crisis

• The collective grief and rage following the murder of Aisling Murphy

These moments are not just stories of sadness or loss. They are also stories of justified rage that demanded accountability, change, and justice.

Anger in these cases became a force for good. It mobilised people. It broke silences. It drove reform. This is what happens when anger is not denied or ridiculed but listened to and acted upon.

When Anger is a Mask

At times, anger isn't the core feeling. It can serve as a protective layer over something more vulnerable, such as grief, fear, shame, or betrayal.

In Irish culture, where vulnerability can feel unsafe or even embarrassing, anger is sometimes the only emotion people feel allowed to express.

For example:

• A man may show anger instead of sadness after a loss

• A woman may act irritated when she is actually anxious or scared

• A teenager may lash out because they feel powerless or unheard

Anger becomes a shield, a socially acceptable way to say, "I'm not okay."

How to Work With Anger Instead of Against It

Learning to work with anger means learning to understand it, not fear it.

Name the Feeling

Instead of saying, "I'm fine" or "I'm just tired," try saying: "I think I'm actually angry. I feel let down. I feel dismissed."

Naming anger does not make it worse. It makes it manageable.

Explore Its Source

Ask yourself: What is this anger trying to tell me? Often, it points to a crossed boundary, a betrayal, or an unmet need.

Use Healthy Outlets

Anger needs movement. That might mean physical exercise, journaling, music, a long walk, or a private rant in a voice note. Therapy helps too. So does talking to someone who won't dismiss your feelings.

Turn It Into Action

Anger can create. It can motivate. You can use it to speak up, advocate for others, vote, write, create, organise, or push for reform.

Anger that is expressed clearly and constructively can do more than just relieve tension. It can change lives.

Reclaiming Anger

To reclaim anger is to reclaim your voice, your limits, and your right to be taken seriously.

In Irish life, especially for women, this can feel like a rebellion. But perhaps it is time. Time to say no. Time to call out mistreatment. Time to stop apologising for needing respect.

This is not about constant conflict or holding grudges. It is about clarity. It is about truth. It is about allowing yourself to feel what you feel without shame.

Because the truth is this: sometimes, you're not overreacting. Sometimes, you are being gaslit. Sometimes, you are right to be angry.

In a nutshell

We're allowed to be angry.

Anger is not a flaw. It isn't a weakness. It's a sign that something matters.

In Ireland, more people are speaking openly. More women are saying enough. More men are beginning to question how they've been taught to express or hide emotion. More people are realising that they don't have to be agreeable to be heard.

The next time anger rises, try not to push it away. Instead, pause. Ask yourself: what is this trying to tell me? What needs to change?

Then let your anger speak. Clearly. Honestly. Purposefully.

Because when rooted in truth, anger does what silence never can. It opens doors. It clears the air. It demands something better and it's an extremely energetic emotion.

And sometimes, that is exactly what we need to make changes.

Marianne Gunnigan July 2025

086 2525132

mariannegunnigan@gmail.com